The Tenchi Muyo Character-bash Fest!
by JDHGamer
Summary: I have done my research and have totally went into an all-out character bash fest just for the heck of it! Please R&R and read before you flame (in fact, I'd prefer you not flame at all).
1. The War

**dis·claim·er** (d¹s-kl³"m…r)_ n._** 1.** A repudiation or denial of responsibility or connection.** 2.**_ Law._ A renunciation of one's right or claim. **3.  **An attempt to cover one's ass.

Fist off, I'd like to say that I don't not own Tenchi (And if I did, I'd be making these stories into episodes instead of fan fiction).  And the most important part of the disclaimer: I do not hate Ryoko and Ayeka or any other characters who are bashed here, nor do I hate the fans, who are bashing each other in this fan fiction.  This is a

**par·o·dy** (p²r"…-d¶)_ n._** par·o·dies**.** 1.a.** A literary or artistic work that imitates the characteristic style of an author or a work for comic effect or ridicule. **b.** The genre of literature comprising such works.** 2.** Something so bad as to be equivalent to intentional mockery; a travesty.** 3.**_ Music._ The practice, popular in the 15th and 16th centuries, of significantly reworking an already established composition, especially the incorporation into the Mass of material borrowed from other works, such as motets or madrigals. **4. **A fan fiction that everyone will flame because they took it too seriously, despite the disclaimers and definitions, because they are mindless idiots who wont even bother to read the fic and will go strait to flaming the author for writing it.

And if the definition isn't enough, then I'll explain. I'm writing this not only for Comedy, but also to show everyone how ridiculous character-bashing is.  So let's just get on with this and bash everyone BUT Sakuya (and a few other choice characters I feel don't deserve bashing).

The Tenchi Muyo Character-bash Fest!

It started as an average day at the Masaki residence, that is, until JDHGamer decided to open the portals to Outworld, sending Shao Kahn and his minions there, who killed both Ayeka and Ryoko and stole their souls.

The next day, their souls were returned for a full refund. Apparently…those souls were SOOO unlikable, they wouldn't keep them.  Then JDHGamer had a better idea, and opened the portals to Ourworld, and then all the Tenchi fans of all different types came flooding in, invading the universe they loved so much.  The problem was, they hated each other, and a war began, right in front of Tenchi's house.  Tenchi+Ayeka fans fought against Tenchi+Ryoko fans as the Tenchi+Sakuya fans stood on the sidelines.  Then the other fans noticed the Sakuya fans and decided to attack them.  But then there was a fight over which side would get to attack the Sakuya fans first.  This battle became an all-out war, so the battle continued while the T/S fans just watched and ate some popcorn and hotdogs thinking (It's so entertaining watching these guys fight over silly things).  Ayeka and Ryoko also were in the battle leading their respective teams. Tenchi and Sakuya were in the bleachers watching. Tenchi was a bit worried about Ryoko and Ayeka, but then again, they always got in the way of him and Sakuya, so he thought he wouldn't mind if they ended up killing each other…and that's exactly what happened.  And the Sakuya fans REJOICED.

That is until JDHGamer thought that killing them twice just wasn't enough (this is a BASHING) fic, after all.  And now he brought the cute little Tenchi-Sasami fans into the fray (they are also strangely violent, despite being a minority).  This time they joined up in attacking the Tenchi-Sakuya people.  "We hate you Sakuya!" "You're such a mother f**king whore!" "You're so ugly!  You're skinny! You're thighs are too thick! And your breasts are too small!"  "Slut!" "B*tch!" "Lesbian!"

"LESBIAN?!" Everyone turned their attention to the girl that said that. "Um…*blushes*…sorry, just some weird fantasy of mine." No one asked, and the battle continued.

            Although the Sakuya fans were normally peaceful, they had to defend themselves.  Fortunately, JDHGamer was on their side and erected a HUGE force field around them. As soon as the fans and characters touched it, they instantly died.

            But that's not the end, now the Washu-Tenchi fans come in with Washu to destroy the forcefield, along with the resurrected Ayeka, Ryoko, and Sasami fans, and their beloved characters.  Miraculously, the force field came down and all the fans charged in, killing not on the Tenchi-Sakuya fans, but also Tenchi and Sakuya.

            They weren't at all saddened by Sakuya's death. Besides, who really cares if she dies? (Especially since all her fans are now lying dead on the ground).  But Tenchi died, and not only that, but he died trying to protect Sakuya (he failed, obviously).  And now the fans (and the characters) had nothing left to live for, and committed suicide.  Now everyone, except JDHGamer, is dead. And JDHGamer is quite pleased with himself for orchestrating something like this.  Then he realizes this story is far from over, he needs to bring in the Tenchi-YAOI paring fans!

            "Tenchi belongs with Kagato b*tch!" one fan says. "What the hell are you talking about? Tenchi isn't gay?" "Oh, he is, and one sexy gay man at that!" "I'm definitely not gay!" "No, you're gay…don't deny it!" "He's not gay, he's slept with me several times!" Sakuya said. "What?!" all the other fans cried out.

            "While you were at war, we got married!"

            "Wait a second? Do you mean to say you didn't engage in premarital sex?"

            "No, we didn't."

            "Why not?"

            "Because I, being a Christian, would never allow something like that in one of my fan fictions!" JDHGamer said.

            "So you're the one responsible for this pairing?"

            "Yes."

            "KILL HIM!!! KILL THAT IDIOT BASTARD WHO IS SO STUPID AS TO HAVE TENCHI PAIRED WITH THAT UGLY MOTHER F**KING WHORE B*TCH INSTEAD OF (RANDOM NAMES OF CHARACTERS SHOUTED OUT BY VARIOUS FANS)!  YOU MUST DIE ASSHOLE!"

            "You didn't read my disclaimer, did you?"

            "What disclaimer?"

            "The one at the top of the page you bakas!"

            "Bakas? What t he hell does that mean?" a few newbie anime fans asked.

            "He's calling us all idiots in Japanese!"

            "What are we waiting for? We said we'd kill him so let's kill him!"

            They all went and killed me…I died…

            But the next day I came back to continue writing this stupid story.

            I went up to the sky and announced in my best booming God-like voice: "You have all been fools, and I shall now punish you all for your foolish ways by whipping you all out permanently. Except for the Sasami and Rhyo-oki fans, and their characters, because they are too cute to die, and the Sakuya-Tenchi fans and their characters because they're the only ones with more than half a brain.  I said: "Let there be death" and there was death, and it was good.

            The Sasami and Rhyo-oki fans went home and the Sakuya fans had a party and Tenchi and Sakuya shared yet another night of passionate lovemaking, not having to worry anymore about the other fans flaming them.

            But little did they know that Ayeka and Ryoko fans were still alive in the resealed Ourworld, and were preparing to flame this very fan fic.

THE END?

I hope this turned out as hilarious and thought provoking as I wanted it to be.

And thank you for reading this and please review, but if you want to flame (and especially if you do flame me), I say: "f**k you too!" in advance.


	2. Unused Ideas

Tenchi Muyo Character Bash Fest  
Unused Ideas  
  
1.Anvil-droppings  
2.Animal-droppings  
3.Bazookas  
4.Packs of Bazooka Bubblegum  
5.Nuclear Blasts  
6.Smush Them  
7.Smash Them  
8.Lash Them  
9.Rehash Them (wait, I did do that, oh well…it rhymes so I'll keep it on the list)  
10.Thrash Them  
11.Bash Them (literally, with a stick or other blunt object)  
12.Cash Them  
13.Mash Them  
14.Crash Them  
15.Dash Them  
16.Clash Them (Wait, did that too, sorry)  
17.Flash Them  
18.Gnash Them  
19.Goulash Them  
20.Hogwash Them  
21.Wash Them  
22.Quash Them  
23.Rash Them  
24.Slash Them  
25.Slapdash Them  
26.Splash Them  
27.Squash Them  
28.Whiplash Them  
29.And send the Chumash Indians out to fight against them  
30.Send in Jason and Freddy Krueger  
31.Send the Aliens and Predators  
32.Have them eaten by a T-Rex and some Velociraptors  
33. Send in the Spiters to paralyize and eat them  
34.Trample them in a stampede of brachiosaurs  
35.Lock phasers and fire those photon torpedoes!  
36.Put them on Jerry Springer  
37.Put them in The Weakest Link (with either or both hosts)  
38.Settle it over a game of scrabble!  
39.Kill Osama Bin Laden in the process (should've used that one)  
40.Have Tenchi replace George W. Bush as president of the US so he can kick Osama's ass with his Jurain powers! (that one could've worked too!) 


	3. Final Thoughts

Final Thoughts: Oh, I figured I should just add one more extra chapter to this fic. I'd also like to kinda explain the second chapter, and even the original chapter. I guess I'll commentate on each of the parts of the fic, because I really had a kind of vision of what this would be like.  
  
The inspiration for this fan fiction was to really turn the tables on the people who write the Sakuya-bashing fan fictions. My original reason was revenge, I'll admit. But I decided to not make it as vengeful as it would be humorous (and character-bashing stories, I have found, are not lacking in the humor department). The first thing I did was actually go and read some of these Sakuya-bashing fan fictions, most of which portrayed Sakuya as a stupid little ditz who is really ugly. Now first off, she's very pretty, perhaps she has a skinny figure, but I guess I can relate to that, because I'm a skinny guy. But her face is really pretty, I must say (in contrast to my face, which is…well, not that bad-looking, but would rate significantly less than hers on the "good-looking" scale). Anyway, enough about me, Sakuya has a nice personality and why the hell do people think she's a prostitute? Okay, so perhaps Yugi could be metaphorically thought of as a pimp making Sakuya love Tenchi, but it's not like she's forcing Sakuya, and really this is kind of more a literal interpretation of the…metaphorical qualities, and it's purely speculative, and…I've just wrote my way into deep sh*t.  
But Sakuya doesn't like, DO anything with Tenchi, so the whole whore idea is far-fetched, is just what I want to say. But the point of this story is not to say "Hey! Sakuya and Tenchi rules! You're pairings suck!", because that would be sinking down to the same level of these guys who write these bashing-fics and flame reviews of pro-Sakuya stories.  
I think that Sakuya fans, just like Sakuya herself, are kind of outside the whole Ryoko and Ayeka thing. That's part of the reason Sakuya is kind of perfect for Tenchi, because she doesn't fight for his affections (although she practically demands them). Also, I've always thought that Ayeka and Ryoko were more of a nuisance than anything else (no offense). I also thought that Ayeka was a bit out of character being so violent (although it was a bit funny), and that Ryoko is supposed to be the violent one and Ayeka is a bit calmer and more feminine (the characters complement each other that way).  
Anyway, that was another rabbit trail I went off on. So okay, the Mortal Kombat thing at the beginning was just an idea I went on. I started thinking "What if I was basically the God of the fan fic and used and abused my creative control to make this whole thing go crazy in every single way?" And then there was the idea of "Opening a portal", which made me think of Mortal Kombat, so I just threw that in, and came up with the whole soul-stealing thing, and that they would return the souls because they didn't like them (a VERY clever way to bash the characters and bring them back to life with the same action!).  
And then the part where I started the whole idea with, the war between Tenchi fans, it's just the kind of thing that I just thought could work out hilariously if I did it right. And it brings in the idea of the Sakuya fans being kind of on the sidelines, and not really fighting against the Ayeka and Ryoko fans (because of the sinking down to their level thing). Then I have the idea of them trying to attack the Tenchi fans but then they fight over which one attacks first. I decided that most of the time the fans would end up just killing each other (because war is basically pointless, especially between people of the same fandom). And then when they accidentally kill Tenchi, they kill themselves, which is also funny, and also has them destroying them selves, just like Papa Roach says (I should add music cue notes to this fan fiction) "It's in our nature to kill each other". Expect to see a revision like that soon, maybe an entire "director's cut" version, with maybe some of those excluded ideas, which I'll get to soon, so don't worry.  
The force field was the perfect opportunity to get Washu and her fans into the fray (another on-the-spot idea I had). Then I brought in the YAOI fans, which all gay people may just flame me about, to add to the number of flaming people. But please keep in mind that this is a parody, and gay people were just thrown in as another minority group that I think may exist. I also had some trouble thinking: "Who the hell should I pair up with Tenchi as an example of a gay Tenchi pairing?" So I thought of Kagato, which actually sounds more like he'd be the subject of a gay-rape fic or something, but I have this tendency to use the first thing that comes to mind, and since it's the last pairing you'd ever think of pairing Tenchi with, it makes it even more hilarious by showing that just about every kind of Tenchi-pairing fan imaginable is in this fray.  
Then I had to end it after I got killed for having Tenchi and Sakuya get married. I think that could be a way to have all of those fans vent their anger, because if they really hate me and want to kill me at this point in the story, I'm oh so happy to oblige! lol  
Then I come back to life, much to the fan's disappointment, I bet (but, I had to finish off the story somehow). So I decided enough is enough and to just kill all the fans off and have the fans of the cute characters go home and the fans of Sakuya party. And my idea from the start was too not have Tenchi really sad about it (because that's the point of bashing fics, so you Ryoko and Ayeka fans just think for a second, think of how in the Sakuya-bashing fics Tenchi doesn't care at all, that's the idea of it).  
Now the second part of the story started because I remembered I had the idea of dropping anvils on top of Ayeka and Ryoko. Then it evolved into a list of unused ideas. Starting with anvil-droppings and animal-droppings. Then going on with a bunch of things that rhyme with "-ash". I used my American Heritage Dictionary on my computer with the wildcard *ash to make sure that all of them got used. And I found this name of an Indian tribe and decided to make it the last one on the list. Then I made some Bin Laden jokes, and decided to add a George Bush joke along with it, and just to make it sound not un-American, I decided to have Bin Laden killed in that idea too.  
Also, I'm glad to see that I've got some reviews already. And I'd like to respond to them. Oh, I guess I didn't really bash the characters so much (Watch for some direct character-bashing in the director's cut!). And I think part of the point really was bashing the fans, because I wanted to show how pointless this whole flaming thing is. And how everyone is always saying these horrible things about Sakuya that I don't really think are true.  
The director's cut will probably be a separate story, but I don't know whether I'll do it or not, because I don't know if I'm evil enough, I may just be the Diet Coke of evil. Lol  
But anyway, thank you for putting up with my rambling and I'll cya in my next fic. 


End file.
